Ten minutes to midnight. A plastic cup of… tequila something (I think), in one hand. My phone in the other. The fantastic music the DJ was spinning reverberated through the deserted bar. I was tipsy enough to flirt with recklessness, sober enough to know this sort of bravery doesn’t come by very often. I sent a text to an old flame I never quite was able to forget:
So, I am drunk enough to ask: in another life, in another world. would we have worked out?
And, if I am to be honest, the answer didn’t matter, in the grand scheme of things. I had had that question lodged in my throat for so long it was slowly choking me. Right there and then, somewhere in Miami, not entirely sure if it was 2020 already, surrounded by the six or so people who had decided to stick around, it felt like the right moment to finally spit the words out.
I didn’t even wait for a reply. I was free.
I didn’t realize just how much I was–and am– holding back. Holding back on my dreams, on my truths and my goals. How much I had let fear control my life. No; that’s not quite true: I knew, somewhere deep down, but that knowledge was not enough to warrant any change. It wasn’t until I took stock on my life, looked into the metaphorical mirror and really saw myself–my potential, my skills, my thirst for life–that staying the same became too painful.
I saw all the friendships I let slide because I was too busy to reach out.
I saw a few relationships that worked, quite a few that didn’t, and how my silence and stoicism was just as much a killer as any of the other tiny things that kill relationships.
I saw a couple of friendships that passed the test of time, somehow, and basked in the small fact that I am so blessed they did, because I wouldn’t be the person I am without these wonderful bonds.
And here I am. A work in progress. Half a caterpillar, half a butterfly, still not a clue of what I am doing. Terrified of returning to the small frame of mind I once had.
But so much farther ahead than when I started.
If I had to choose a word for the new year, it would be surrender. Stop fighting the light inside me. Stop trying to control it all so much. Stop trying to keep up this appearance of someone who has it all figured out, because that is the biggest lie. Stop fighting and doing this whole living thing using fear and anger as my weapons. Just… surrender. Let go. Let my soul breathe and expand and unfurl its wings. Give my mind a chance to be silent once in a while.
These past few years I have planted seeds, here and there. I think I can finally step back and let them flourish.