Lately, I have been thinking of the way my surrender will take shape this year.
From the wildly outrageous (an explosive and tragically short fling in Italy; a modeling contract; a shade of blonde that actually suits my skin tone) to the more mundane (a side hustle doing product and marketing photography; even more time to read books; explore every single coffeeshop in my city other than Starbucks; an herb and vegetable garden) I have allowed myself to daydream as I make my morning commute for work, harried because I woke up late and don’t have time to go to the gym, and why is the sun setting so early? Seriously, though, why am I waking up so damn late every day this week?!
And the truth is, I have never been good at knowing what my future would look like. You know those people, who just know they want to become doctors or artists or entrepreneurs and so they carry that certainty with them their whole lives, knowing that it is just a matter of time before they gracefully land on their destiny? I was never one of those. Mine was always more of a blind stumble, fumbling with this and that, arms out in front of me, hoping the path will eventually lead me… well, if not the place of my dreams, at least to somewhere with a rather nice view.
I have always been enchanted with possibilities, and terrified at the thought of committing to any one of them. And my mind just bursts with them all: all the things I want to see, and do, and create, and taste, and experience, that sometime it becomes painful, having so little time to do them all.
Hence, the reason for my surrender: I must be fine with committing, with making a choice and giving it my all; I must be fine with blowing a flirty kiss to all that could be, saying goodbye, and dedicating my all to the wonderful things in front of me. But more importantly, I must actually take a step forward, and then another, and make all those wonderful dreams I have into a reality.
So here they are: they are not quite resolutions, nor goals. Bucket list items, maybe? For this year. A list of dreams, big and small. My small ways to surrender.
Finally take that intro to photography class I’ve thought about taking for so long, price be damned.
Go back to buying photography props for one or two photoshoots, because they looked great and brought me joy and this year I will embrace all those little things that give me joy, practicality be damned.
On that note… take a step away from practicality. A tiny one. Just enough to keep me away from insanity. Oftentimes I am too practical for my own good and it brings me stress.
Stop buying clothes from H&M and Amazon that I know I’ll wear only one or twice and then relegate to the shadowy parts of my closet. I am no longer the girl who wears crop tops… except for once or twice every six months, in which case those crop tops relegated to said shadowy part of my closet will do just fine, thank you very much
Finally come to terms that my perspective of the male sex… is not the healthiest. Actually do something about it; drinking wine and sending my best friends texts with variations of “all men are dumb and useless” does not count as “doing something about it”
Go to more coffeeshops. Bring a book with me. Take a seat in the corner that will allow me to people watch without being a creeper. Bask more often in the strange, peaceful feeling that only a lovely coffeeshop with mismatched furniture and original art in its walls can give me.
Become an art critic; start writing about art at all, for that matter.
Go to more museums and galleries. Because terrible traffic and exorbitant admission costs shouldn’t be an excuse to stay away from them
Go back to New York City. That concrete jungle that took my heart and feels like a home away from home.
Start going to bed at an appropriate time.
(I used to be rather good at this; then I discovered that I can download library books directly to my kindle. My ability to hold conversations has greatly improved, but at the cost of my sleep.)
Read more nonfiction. Something other that financial independence and investing books (practicality at it again!)
Go out of town more often: so many hiking and camping sites, and lakes, and natural springs to visit around me! (and we can’t forget the beach; I definitely need to go to the beach more often)
Finally get a dog! A small one that absolutely adores and whom I adore and can spoil rotten.