I’ve been trying for a while to get into meditation. I mean, I seem to be the kind of person meditation would be perfect for: mind going a thousand miles an hour, restless, too many interests, not nearly enough focus. And yet my brain just can’t seem to get the hang of it. It’s not like a muscle that you can measure for strength, or a skill in which you see improvement over a certain period of time. I’m supposed to just… know my life is better because of it.

As a last ditch attempt, I splurged on a yearly Calm membership. I had paid for the app several years ago, when they only offered but a fraction of the features they do now, and greatly enjoyed it. Now, that there are celebrity voices reading bedtime stories, and classes, and all sorts of nifty toys for me to play with, I eagerly handed over my money and off I went into what I thought would be a journey of self discovery.

What I discovered instead: meditation is HARD.

Or more likely: my mind refuses to just. Shut. Up.

My mind can be overwhelming, sometimes: it can be paranoid, it can daydream way too much, it can make up entire stories out of a guy’s devilish smile and a few pretty words like spun gold; it can also create ghosts out of a few wisps of smoke. A double edged sword. I recognize that my mind is both my greatest source of freedom and a sort of gilded cage. But I also am at the point in my life where I want to control my thoughts instead of letting them control me. So, there’s that. Into the meditation and mindfulness hole I go.

So, here’s the deal: Calm has a 30-day meditation series where you learn the basics of meditation. Since I already paid for a the rest of the year, I plan to follow this series as closely as possible, then come back to this blog and report my findings. It feels very scientific, this goal: put on your gloves, ladies and gents, and strap in; we’re about to perform surgery on her psyche to save her from herself.

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